Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
