I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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