Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
