I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
