: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize