This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
