the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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