I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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