If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
