Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
