How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
