Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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