there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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