your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Randomize
