I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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