I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
