I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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