My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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