Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
