You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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