Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You pole danced in your parka.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
