im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
