Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
