did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
