Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
