hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
