Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
