the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
