Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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