ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
