Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize