so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
