Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
