once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize