Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
