I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My breasts were aching with rage.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
