you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I FOUND THE LEGS
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
