I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
