apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
