You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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