theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
