at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We just shotgunned beers for America
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
