I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
