I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
