my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
