watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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