i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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