Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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