she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
