um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize