Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
