kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
40s are totally the cure
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
