Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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